Today is the first funeral I’ve conducted since one of my parent’s died. It is just over a month since their death, and nearly a fortnight since the funeral.

For the most part I’ve thought I was doing okay. I’ve preached on two Sundays, managed the odd pastoral visit. I’ve handled emails, the phone calls that go with ministry. Buildings and their worries seem to fill the spaces of many days, and people’s love of meetings shapes the weeks. There are strange things I wonder about. I’ve lost a notebook I was using before my mum became seriously ill. I’m sure it is in the house, but I don’t know where, and we are not reunited yet. There are dates that people tell me they have told me about not in my diary. There is the vast swathe of emails from the weeks that I was off that some seem to think I should trail through. Although in your short working life in a different profession we were always told that if you were off, you were off. If people were desperate to be in touch with you then, they would get back in touch with you – otherwise it wasn’t important or had been dealt with.

Today I realised how raw and unexpected grief is. Having done all of the preparation, in the five minutes before walking into the crematorium tears appeared from nowhere. Having pulled myself together to be present for the family, I hope I offered the care and compassion they needed today.

As people were leaving, someone I’d not seen for a wee while came to acknowledge that and share a hug. Sharing the grief of the moment, and someone that had been part of their life.

Now home, I’ve had a sob – . Every day tasks beckon. Cats believing they need to be fed. Reading for this evening’s meeting. An order of service to be completed so I can get a day off tomorrow.

I’m sure others could have great theological thoughts on bearing our own grief. When I left the house at lunchtime I had intended to do a visit after the funeral. Instead I’ve come home. I’m following Jesus in withdrawing to care for myself for a wee while. However I am also aware that it is important to be in the midst of people, sharing life, and discovering the divine is still inspiring, and hoping, for new things.